Wolves vs. Bears vs. Tigers: Bears, FINALLY!

So, the saga finally ends, the final part of the long battle takes place, in English, because – to be quite honest, I enjoyed the True Widow language change and might be on and off with that, you can blame my sincere love towards the English language or me which probably makes more sense. So, we already discussed, why wolves and tigers rock but seriously, the true winner was, is and always will be the bear.

(I am not ashamed to say, that this is one of my favourite movies, even with Phil Collins-soundtrack, by the end of it I sob like a whiny bitch every single time)

You want to know why? Ok, before we start the round of bear-related songs and bands, here are five fine reasons:

1. They are so cuddly but they will kill you in an instant.

How cool is that, there is no other animal on this earth that is so deadly, yet we couldn’t blame them for ripping our arm off because look at them, they are so fluffy and their paws are so cute, not to mention their ears…I could go on but I am a bit dizzy due to the bloodloss from my armwound… Therefore, bears managed to convince Disney and Co to make them out to be horribly cute hug-pets instead of the deadly monsters they truly are, I mean, it’s gotta be some hidden plan by bears to teach all kids that – if they ever see a live bear – to hurry up and hug that ol’ fella instead of running as fast as they can. You cheeky cuddle-monsters, you.

2. They can totally drink you under the table

There is evidence, that bears love to party with some fermented fruits in the summer, that’s what Goldilocks missed in the story, the weak, strong and just right schnaps next to the bowls of porridge or whatever bears eat (I suppose they would prefer some salmon with a berry-foam and a few sealburgers on the side). But because a bear is pretty big, he can drink a lot more than your usual alcoholic animal buddy (scoot, drunken dog), so you better change from Jägermeister to a Weinschorle to get through the night.

3. They have the coolest names

Lupus and Felidae sound totally uncool but the bear has some pretty cool names across the globe. In Sweden he is called Björn, which is also a male first name and the “Latin” name of the brown bear is actually latin and greek, “ursus arctos” and means “bear bear”, that’s right, it’s just the greek and latin translation of “bear”. Now, not even Chuck Norris calls himself Chuck Chuck although I would heavily advise it, because that would be pretty cool. Also, the first female bear-name was “Ursula” which roughly translates to “little-she-bear”. I don’t know about you but since She-Hulk, I am always impressed with this absolutely not sexist way of describing the female counterpart to any being, ie. she-being.

4. They grew over time

So, this might sound weird but evolutionary, there are not many animals out there that got bigger over the centuries, rather the other way round, probably to hide from humans who are real dicks and always kill big things to put them in front of their fireplaces and on their walls. Not the bear, though, the first bears where of racoon-size and looks and also didn’t eat more than snakes and bugs (although that’s quite impressive to begin with, especially as we can assume that those were massive back then). So, instead of becoming smaller, bear bear decided to grow bigger, probably because he spend some time in Texas and got some inspiration there, so he grew and BAM, became the Undertaker of the animal kingdom (and we are not counting elephants here, because they are vegetarians and vegetarians have no saying in the animal kingdom).

5. Cowboy Loners

You think that Winnie the Pooh was happy having this bunch of forest animals crashing into his crib every single day? Think again, bears are incredibly solitary and only accept other bears during mating season, so – as a quite asocial being myself – I can imagine how Pooh must have felt every single time, those annoying idiots ruined his lazy afternoon routine of devouring some blond-haired girls and getting drunk on berries. And just like the solitary human being, the only time, when you catch them in a group, is at the Fast Food stand tolerating the other bear bears for this delicious Falafel or, as already mentioned, checking out some ass at a party, y’all. Now I feel dirty, Hip Hop talk really doesn’t suit me.

Ok, that was fun, now let’s head up to the bands that worship this beautifully adorable death-machine as much as we do:

Obviously, the first band coming to mind are the incredible Grizzly Bear, who are on hiatus right now because all the band members have to participate in awesome side-projects (what douchebags), but in our hearts they always will be Grizzly Bear and haunt us with this awesome video that I can’t stop posting everywhere…

(it’s so great because it is beautiful but at the same time incredibly creepy)

The next in my head is a band named after what is left when a bear had it’s dinner: The Antlers. On their heart-breaking and breath-taking concept album “Hospice” they had a song that still keeps people awake at night, trying to find out the meaning (within the context of the album it could be different than taken as a single, it’s mind-blowing). Either way, it’s one of the most perfect songs in the history of songs that make you sob and whiny like a fan who just missed Justin Bieber without a shirt on because they got down to tie their shoes.

Happy on the indie track are also the lovely Minus the Bear who have this relaxed, yet always cheeky attitude in their music that makes you smile, knowingly, because you get the joke and everybody else doesn’t because they are too stupid. Minus the Bear also rule the indielectro-rollercoaster that has brought some former indiebands to a boring halt.

I admit, I could listen to Seabear a lot more but all I always want to hear is “singing arc” because it stands for my 4-year-ago yearning to travel the world that hasn’t left me since but fortunately isn’t as nagging anymore. Still, although the message is quite the other way round, this song always makes me want to get a ticket to anywhere and leave without notice.

One song, that weirdly enough always makes me think of Greek tragedies (don’t ask why, I don’t know), is John Grant‘s beautiful “TC and Honeybear” which is – if I remember correctly – part of a bunch of songs he wrote after a quite difficult break up. It surprised me the first time I heard it because the first part of the song does not even remotely hint the opulent emotional outburst of the latter parts. So, sorry for the spoiler.

Ok, let’s head over to some more pow-pow, like Bear Hands who do Indie as well but with a more Rock’n Roll twist. Their song “what a drag” is one of those brilliant dancefloor-hits that you instantly love and always dance to. At the same time, you never look the band up to buy the album (well, at least I didn’t…sorry, maybe I should).

Bear in Heaven remind me a bit of a mixture of Sparks and Joy Division, haha, if there ever was a weird combo, this would be it. But seriously, they have this dark, brooding 80s sound going on, at the same time, the slightly offbeat vocals of Sparks, yet with less theatricality (hey, this is actually a word, cool). They sound a lot different live which is good, you don’t want to have a band playing 1:1 what you already heard at home.

(Oh boy, do I hate all those people on youtube that post comments like “this is better than Justin Bieber”…it always so incredibly unrelated and yearns for the stupid thumbs up, like “this is better than having a piece of apple stuck between your teeth and you can’t get it out and it’s so annoying but this music is anything but”)

And because I always have to show how badass I am, here’s a song by Screamo-band Chiodos, the title refers to the Bull and the Bear from Wall Street, so, this is, like, totally a comment on the current protest-situation and shit. You know…But seriously, the song is great, Chiodo’s singer is fantastic.

Pew, what a ride and it only took one and a half years to finish this segment. So what’s next? I am open for suggestions.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3


Tigers 2



4 thoughts on “Wolves vs. Bears vs. Tigers: Bears, FINALLY!

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