5 songs about boobs: I am not kidding, it’s boob time

Inspired by a comment on the Robert Jones entry, I thought about America’s weird obsession with boobs and the even weirder fact that they fear them like nothing else. Remember nipple gate? Apparently, those were the days of sexual freedom because nowadays it doesn’t even need a nipple to cause a scandal but rather the thought that a nipple might have shown, for example in – insert kind of famous female’s – case a couple of weeks ago.

So in dedication of America’s favourite media spectacle – the boob – I chose five an undefined number of songs* that are without a doubt about boobs. I also coupled them with a few interesting fun facts about those milkshakes in the yard.

By the way, if you are for gender equality, here’s the shlong-equivalent.

*This is an ongoing list because boobs are constantly there, in our faces, hanging off our bodies and dangling around, just as music. It’s like poetry, isn’t it?

Kelis – Milkshake

Oh, the fun when an RnB star gets super skanky to sell records and the joy when that actually works. Kelis stormed the charts with this ode to suckling a teat (because that’s what’s implied, gentlemen) and for most of my dancing time to this song, I tried to ignore the meaning and concentrate on actual milkshakes.

Speaking of which, did you know that in the UK some dude with his heavily lactating wife actually sold ice cream made of breastmilk? And a highly respected American chef even dedicated a whole menu to breastmilk. So think of that while you are listening to this actually quite horrible live version of “Milkshake”.

Commodores – Brick House

I imagine the pain of gossip journalists whenever they have to come up with a good synonym for boobs, after all, when you write 90% of your news about breasts, it can get a bit repetitive. Well, Funk and Soul always were quite tasteful when it comes to sexy lyrics, right? Nope, because “brick house” might be the worst phrase I’ve ever heard for melons, milk jugs, bazookas or – victorian style – the heaving bosom.

Also: the video is not really sexy because as many hot babes you might include in your video (It was the 80s, those hairstyles and clothes were sexy back then), you still have three aging dudes in tight biking shorts inbetween.

Editor’s note: As Mike (see in the comments) pointed out, “brick house” might more be about thighs and butts instead of breasts. Because he said that the term MIGHT imply boobs, I am keeping it in, just to help the numbers of boob-songs stay up.

Dr. Dre and Ed Lover – Tootin on the Hooters

Weirdly enough, sexist Hip Hop from the 90s was somehow less threatening because the rappers were a little more humorous about their sexual desires (“Baby got back” anyone?) and therefore didn’t sound like sleazy rapists. Did you know that there are accounts of a woman with all in all ten boobs? That’s a lot of tootin if you ask me. It’s also a little gross because the additional breasts usually grew in weird places like thighs or the side of her stomach. Some even were able to lactate…so, you toot and they shoot (oh dear, I grossed myself out, I’ll be back in a minute, enjoy the song).

Lene Alexandra – My boobs are ok

I am very glad that there are songs about boobs that empower us women. To all you haters, you can throw plastic surgery suggestions at me as much as you want, but my boobs are ok and I will fling my totally not enhanced boobs around my 5$ music video as much as I want! No seriously, I have no idea why I want to add another song to this list because this is the best thing ever.

NOFX – New Boobs

Weirdly enough, I had to think of implants after the last song, so this might fit (haha). According to a shoddy study, British women won’t need any implants to enhance their breasts any time soon because their boobies are growing generation by generation. I assume, it’s a hidden plan to get back the power of the United Kingdom with the help of deadly she-soldiers that distract everyone with their humongous bustlines.

Frank Zappa – Titties and Beer

You know the saying of not seeing the forest because of all the trees? I don’t even know whether it exists in English but we have it in German and boy, did I live it out on this glorious blog-entry. I forgot Zappa? How the hell could I forget Zappa? There are more wieners and boobs in his songs than in a porn stash under every teenager’s mattress ever.

So, here ya go, “Titties and Beer”, apparently one of the greatest combinations since “Wieners and Wine”.

By the way, that Devil is the great Terry Bozzio who not only gave the(few?) ladies something to look at during the shows  and is one hell of a drummer.

Mondo Ray – Brush your tits

I mean, sure, if you find someone who is that hairy, you can probably spend the night brushing them, maybe add some nice braids and a cute hat but really…I think it’s kinda weird.

Anvil – Show me your tits

You know what Anvil? I won’t show you my tits because if you don’t know the secret word, then you won’t get anything but the big wooly sweater that covers every female curve. You’re not even Motörhead and not even strippers could dance to this song because it’s not slow enough to pop that bra. Amateurs, I tell you.

Mary’s Kids – Tiny Tits, Tight Ass

I figured that this kind of music would be a little more entertaining than the Kooks and the Scissor Sisters. Nothing against those bands but let’s make this a little challenge to find some cool songs about tatas, ok?

Sparks – Tits

If you are ever brave enough to do it, you will see that the searchword “tits” generates better results when it comes to music than “boobs”. The latter will give you a bunch of, ahem, “funny” songs but “tits” are the prefered word for electro, hipster and the cool kind of funny music, just so you know.  Unfortunately, there weren’t any good videos of this song but if you have a friend who is really into weird and old music, he probably has some Sparks records lying around –

The Fox Heads – Tits

Another song that I couldn’t get a hold of, unfortunately, because oh man, this is a song that is a lyrical masterpiece. Listen and listen again to really get all the little gems in there and then sing along because that is surely the one song you want stuck in your head so you absent-mindedly sing it in the elevator or in the office-kitchen…do it, you know you want to.

Psychostick – Because Boobs

There must be a thousand bands out there that do punk-rock-rap-style music that would love to be Mike Patton. Like the Psychosticks that sound as if their singer is Andy Samberg. The lyrics for this song are as good as this song I once wrote about old people who wear their pants too high (social criticism, y’all).

The Who – Squeeze Box

Call me naïve like a mormon trapped in a nude camp but I am still not sure whether that song really talks about boobies or something else. The urban dictionary says it is about the vajayjay but I am not sure about the squeezing and…well…let’s just call this an ambiguous song to inspire other song-collections, ok? It’s about S-E-X that is for sure, so we let it slide because it’s just fun and it can never hurt to have some Who in any playlist. This comes from the guys who have a song about a rubber doll and a teenager being in love with a pin up poster so who knows…the Who really are awesome, aren’t they? This song also plays a big role in Apatow’s heavenly “Freaks and Geeks”, in an episode where this is the song that the parents listen to to decide whether the kids can go to a concert or not. Mom doesn’t get it, but dad has a suspicion…

13 thoughts on “5 songs about boobs: I am not kidding, it’s boob time

      1. We can’t bicker on an article about boobs. It’s a topic full of joy and beauty, we should talk about unicorns and icecream.

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      2. You know, I’m beginning to wonder whether there’s something unhealthy about your apparently overwhelming obsession with boobs…
        But you’re right, so let me just ask, purely for curiosity’s sake, if you purposefully chose to leave Tim Minchin’s “confessions” out of this post, or just forgot to mention it?
        (Oh, and by the way, you wrote “boots” once up there. Just thought I’d let you know, since it’s an important distinction.)

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      3. I gotta confess, I am not as familiar with Tim Minchin, the singing comedian is something that I am weirdly not as intrigued by as others. I should get into him, though, otherwise I always get flag from you whenever I miss out on a Minchin song in regards to a topical post.
        Oh, and I wouldn’t say I am obsessed with boobs, I love the word, though, I really do, so I guess it’s a rather linguistic obsession. Plus, I worked on an article about boobs that unfortunately didn’t get published and I think this article was my way of dealing with the rejection.

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  1. Hmm, I have to say that you are prolly pretty young (good for you!) because that song by the Commodores is a polite way of using the old expression “built like a brick shithouse” – which might imply boobs but would ALWAYS include hips, butt, legs, and all other aspects of feminine pulchritude that attract us boys. This is a holistic expression, not purely focusing on boobs in other words.

    And no, the Who song isn’t about boobs either. That’s strike two! Nice post tho…

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    1. Thanks for the info, I will be bold enough to keep both songs in, if it might imply boobs, it’s good enough for me and concerning the Who: I kinda knew/suspected it but I like the song. But still, thanks for the insight into these wondrous phrases, as it’s not my mother-language, I still get befuddled by it now and then and this way, the readers (and I) learn something fun about language!

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  2. Where is the song Don’t want no big tits, by bobby and Cynthia from the eighties, it used to play on much music?

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    1. Hi, I couldn’t find this song (nor the artists) anywhere. If you have a link, you can post it here and I will add it to the list but otherwise, I can’t do anything about it. If it isn’t on google, it doesn’t exist – that’s the law of the internet.

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