Ok, so in recent weeks, my entry on Songs about Boobs got quite a few hits (let alone tits, haha), so I decided to work on some sort of counterpart even though that will be easy as pie because there are a lot of songs about Penises out there. It’s a real weiner-fest which could be the greatest motto for a party that now will also have a good soundtrack (Hot Dogs and phallic vegetables, anyone?).
Also, as an introduction to this fine list of songs, my favourite dick-move:
Garth is the best part of the whole movie. All my favourite scenes involve Garth aka Dana Carvey doing something that probably wasn’t in the script because it’s always something really random.
Peter Gabriel – Sledgehammer
OF COURSE this is in this playlist. Not only does Peter find an astounding number of great metaphors for having sex but he also deals with the over-sexualisation of everything and therefore creates a fantastic parody of seemingly cute lovesongs that are just about boning your heart out. It also reminds of the awesome crime-comedy of the same name, so it’s a double whammy.
Kiss – Love Gun
What? This is about a penis? I thought this was about some hippie-gun that spreads love instead of bullets. And with “spreading love” I don’t mean semen because that’s gross. But that’s essentially what Kiss are singing. So whenever you hear songs like “Love is in the air” and “All you need is love”…Kiss ruin this with their horrifying metaphor.
My Penis – Perez Hilton ft. Larry Tee
This only features here, so I can rant a little because Perez Hilton – as any entertainment-news-writer with self-respect should know – is one of those ghastly celebrity bloggers who think they are on moral high grounds just because they write one or two compassionate lines between every other vicious tabloid-garbage on their blog. I tell you what: your writing is as bad as this song and you should penis up to being a tabloid-whore just as all of us entertainment-news-writers with self-respect.
Frank Zappa – Penis Dimension
Leave it to Zappa to get into both lists. I am always astounded of the balance of genious compositions and 8th grade humor in his music. It also might be the reason why the majority of Zappa fans are guys…just saying. BUT apart from that, Zappa was also one of the greatest nerds considering technical advancements in music and political stances on freedom of speech. And if that can only be spread (no pun intended) with penis-songs…so be it.
ZZ Top – Pearl Necklace
There are songs about penises that are funny as Zappa’s and there are the ones that are funny but also gag-inducingly gross. If you don’t get the joke on this song and you think you can stomach it, go on urban dictionary and look for “pearl necklace” and for the love of god, don’t Google Image it with the safe search off…
Jackson Browne – Redneck Friend
We could talk about the lines that imply that this is about someone’s woody but a lot more interesting is the fact that according to legend, the piano is played by Elton John. Woah! Also, “Honey let me introduce you to my redneck friend” is not an acceptable pick-up line. We have already established that “Shwing” works best, so let’s not be foolish here.
Fleetwood Mac – Rattlesnake Shake
Symbolism is a bitch. There are about five thousand symbols for the penis, so if you have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old (which I always do), you won’t get through a day without snickering about someone saying something completely normal that your twisted little mind has turned into a stupid penis-joke. And the snake…man, it turns the whole intro of the bible super weird.
David Lee Roth – Hot Dog and a shake
A lot of songs about penises are also about masturbation. I wonder why because if I ever think of the Freudian jealousy of penises, all I can think of is peeing everywhere just because I could. But I can’t, and maybe that’s why the main theme of penis-songs seems weirdly unsexy. Also – that guitar solo is definitely the musical attempt of masturguitartion…woah, worst pun of the day (and that’s saying a lot for a post about shlong-a-weiner-woodies).