God, I love castingshows. I watch a lot of them. This one weekend, I actually did a major “Toddlers and Tiaras”-marathon and it was so horrendous and glorious at the same time that I will cherish those three days forever. Castingshows are perfect when I really don’t want to concentrate on something because I have to clean my flat, do the dishes or train my assassin monkey. Also, especially singing competitions were my way to see what kind of pop the kids nowadays listen to before I worked in entertainment-news and got that shoved down my throat 9 hours each day.
I also love recaps of crappy castingshows, there is so much joy to be found in a really snarky recap that calls bullshit on the bullshit of each and every show but still enjoys the cheese-factor because I do enjoy the cheese-factor.
So, because I just started on yet another Top Model-thingy and am waiting for The X Factor to start again (glorious X Factor), I compiled a list of the 10 things you’ll hear in pretty much every castingshow and that almost always is a total lie. If you are not as seasoned in castingshows, you might want to know what the contestants actually mean, so here ya go. You’re welcome.
1.I am not here to make friends – I will be the asshole of the season
2.I would do anything to make it – I will not do anything. Actually, I won’t even stomach really silly things like haircuts, sports or some minor verbal abuse by the judges.
3.This has been my lifelong dream – This has been my dream since I saw the last season of this show
4.I want to prove you that I can do a lot more – I will not improve. In fact, it will be downhill from here but if you are really stupid, you’ll throw out a contestant that is more skilled but less whiny passionate and drag me on for a few more episodes
5.(When axed) Thank you so much for this opportunity – Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you
6.(crying) I swore to myself not to cry – I cry when I see an emotional commercial, please don’t judge me
7.My friends and family are proud of me – I hope I win this, so my friends and family won’t make fun of me for doing this crap till the day I die
8.This really is the hardest thing I ever did – I am so privileged that this ACTUALLY is the hardest thing I ever did
9.I gave it my all if the judges don’t like it, I will still be proud to go home – I will be fucking furious if those assholes don’t appreciate that I was mediocre at best
10.This is the best experience ever – This is the best experience ever…but if I lie on my deathbed one day and this is still the best experience ever then I have messed it up, big time
BONUS: 5 things the judges say and what they actually mean
1.We feel that you are not passionate enough – We feel that you are not desperate enough
2.You’re not quite what we are looking for – the camera hates you, ugly-face
3.That was the best dish/performance/design of the whole season – I have no idea whether it was the best dish/performance/design of the season, or of the day for that matter, I just had to say something uplifting and can’t really give proper criticism because complex thoughts confuse me
4.I want to see your personality – I have no idea what the word ‘personality’ means
5.This is such a hard decision – I get paid so much fucking money to do this crap, it’s unbelievable. These are tears of joy, you idiot!
By the way, whenever I hear anything about eggs, all I can think of is “Lee & Herring” with their beautifully stupid sketches about these two birds: