Soap Box: 4 things that bugged me in August

Gosh, August. You little prick.

Ok, so with that out of the way, I spent less time on raging on many things because I was too busy not screaming into my pillow 16 hours a day (girl’s gotta sleep sometime). So we have some horrid dark sides of the entertainment-business that keep on haunting me during my day-job (my night job: sleeping), the feminist text that will never go away in these things and one news-article that I stumbled upon and that was the kind of news, where you go: “Really? Really?” and then shake your head to contemplate humanity. Oh, and because it made it just in time: The magic of politically incorrect advertisement – the German issue!

Me and this month.

1.Hollywood is a cess-pitt of criminals

Working in Entertainment news seems like a pretty fluffy job with loads of mindless content and it sure is most of the time (I go into full “Mean Girls”-mode mixed with a feminist rant every other hour)but because I spend a lot of time reading about stars, I also read a lot of the stuff that usually stays unmentioned because it happened such a long time ago. Sure, Chris Brown is still a synonym for domestic abuse but he’s already back in the game. But what about Sean Penn who abused Madonna, Mark Wahlberg who beat up a man so hard when he was a teenager that he will be blind on one eye for the rest of his life? Corey Feldman might be slightly amusing with his weird Michael Jackson obsession and his questionable career-choices in later life but he got molested when he was a kid and his friend Corey Haim died of pneumonia, an illness that causes many lives each year – in third world countries. It is scary to know how dark it is behind the Hollywood-letters even in times when we think we know all about the stars and starlets and it makes scenes like this even more revolting:

Please don’t read this if you don’t want to grind your teeth for the rest of the day: Roman Polanski offered an apology to his victim in 2012, saying “She is a double victim: My victim, and a victim of the press.” He collected a lifetime achievement award around the same time. Boy, what an achievement to ruin one girl’s life. The ruin of a lifetime, gee, Adrian Brody really got the better deal there, he only got the role of his lifetime for “The Pianist”.

2. The VMAs!

Gender issues are my thang, so here we go with the apparently obligatory gender thing. Ok, so Gaga and especially Miley Cyrus got flag for wearing skimpy clothes and moving in a way that suggested sexual movements (oh dear). There are two very funny things about the outrage that those two (but especially Miley) caused amongst the whole wide world of entertainment and raging parent groups.

This is how I imagine those groups always forever.

a.) The infamous Miley Cyrus-event was actually a duo, does anyone remember?

However, did anyone else notice that Miley somehow recreated the music video of a certain Robin Thicke, you know, that video where half naked/naked women dance around him while he sings sleazy lines? So, would anyone have bat an eye if it hadn’t been Miley but some unknown dancer/model? I doubt it. Are people really that incapable of making a difference between a character someone once played as a kid (“Hannah Montana”) and the real person that has grown up since then? And boy, am I tired of people writing: “Well, growing up doesn’t mean acting like whore”. Did she act like a whore? Nope, in my book (and the dictionary) acting like a whore means having sex with other people for money. As far as I can tell, she didn’t do that, so calm down people. If she wants to grow up in a skimpy outfit…at least she doesn’t pee in a freaking cleaning bucket and lets her friends film it on the phone like SOME people! (Psst, I mean Justin Bieber…)

Sidenote: Now, when it comes to the whole ratchet/minstrel-thing that she apparently pulled off, I am not an expert on that area, so I better leave it to people that are and can make a better case on this. (psst, follow the link)

b.) I already mentioned my love for Bruno Mars’ performance of his song “Gorilla”. The funny, nay, hilarious thing about it, though, is the fact that apparently it’s the worst to dress skimpy and dance suggestively on TV but it is totally ok to sing the most overt song about having rough sex EVER! As I was listening to “Gorilla” over and over again, it got funnier and funnier because this is quite possibly the most sexual song ever performed on an MTV-stage. Even Al Green’s “Let’s get it on” could with a lot of willpower be interpreted as some sort of emotional commitment instead of “getting it on”. But Mars doesn’t give you any chance to evade this, it’s like an homage to Peter Gabriel’s love-song parody “Sledgehammer”, he wants to talk about his shlong invading a vajayjay and he does not let you interpret your way out of that image. Let’s see:

“You got your legs up in the sky” – erm, well yeah, because she is breakdancing, obviously

“You and me baby making love like gorillas” – because female gorillas form strong bonds with their male counterparts? Yeah, that sounds about right.

“‘Cause you know how I like it, You’s (sic) a dirty little lover” – okaayyyy, well, because you both just came out of the rain and got splashed by a car, so your clothes are all dirty but you know what he likes – sweatpants and hot cocoa, yay!

“And you’re screaming, ‘Give it to me baby, Give it to me motherfucker!'” – because he nicked the last cookie to dip into the hot cocoa. Not cool, Bruno!

Oh dear, it’s like a script for a porn. How did that not send all the angry parent/a gazillion-moms-groups into a fit of shocked rage? Is it because the song doesn’t indicate that it’s a (very well written) sleaze-fest? Is it because Mars was covered with a lot of clothes and had a banging (haha, see what I did there?) laser-show and the melody/mood of the song implies some deeply emotional love-song? Is it because “Bruno Mars” doesn’t carry as much entertainment/gossip-power as “Miley Cyrus”? The truth is out there.

Still love that song, though.

It’s obviously about making hot cocoa, it makes total sense now.

3.The lesson here: Don’t have stupid friends

A 17-year old nearly got into jail because she sent a text-message to her friend who was driving a car and caused an accident (a bad accident). Because – hahaha – if she knew that he was driving, she was part of the crime (because driving while texting is dangerous, even “Glee” did an episode about it, so you better believe it!*).

By the way, this is the lamest way ever to kill off/severely hurt a character

Ok, so she was cleared of all charges because they couldn’t prove that she knew that her friend was in the car driving whilst texting! And everyone goes: Well obviously, stupid law! How in the world are you supposed to know when you text someone whether that person is in his car driving? And if you know, what do you do? You can’t text “stop driving and texting” because to listen to you that person would have to read your text and that’s ILLEGAL! If you don’t react, you might trigger impatient-rage-texting a la “OI, why you not answering?” and cause a major accident when your friend drives into a kindergarden and KILLS EVERYONE! Besides, usually, you don’t know whether someone is driving (unless you video-chat) so what the hell is this? Are you supposed to know whether your friend is stupid enough to take a call/text whilst driving and avoid all communication unless you know for a fact where he is?

Why can’t the people that deal with law stop being Pepperidge Farm and start hauling their buttocks into the 21st century, this is not handing bullets to a friend who is just prepping to go on a rampage, technology usage works different!

*I actually do believe it, there was this one day when a big mobile-phone provider had a blackout for 8 hours or so and traffic accidents immediately sank to a ridiculous low. People on phones are seriously dumb.

You better not, she will totally smash into a schoolbus full of kittens and you will go to jail with her!

4. Oh Commercials, you so racist!

As a feminist, commercials are a pretty fickle thing to begin with, because roughly 70% of the funny ads are kind of sexist and roughly 90% of stuff that has nothing to do with sex or isn’t even aimed at heterosexual men (or lesbian women) features scantily clad ladies on the prowl (I know that I won’t look like that sexy lady on the poster if I wear that lipstick, so don’t even bother to imply it). But with this whole sexist commercial-thing going on, we shouldn’t forget good old racism because that little rascal apparently will never go away.

In Germany, we currently have a little f-up by a German confectioner that had a brilliant idea for pralines with white chocolate. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.

So, they did what every team of privileged white middle-class professionals would do – they wrote the worst slogans ever.

Yes, white can – yep, that’s the one from Obama, only racism-fied

Weiss kanns besser (White can do it better) – they must have taken that from some pre-civil-rights-movement history book.

Deutschland wählt weiß (Germany votes white) – which is probably also a copyright issue because I bet this is the NPD’s slogan.

Apart from the horrible horrible wording, context and execution, I am simply aghast that not one single person at Ferrero (the guys in charge) looked at this and said: Something about this sounds a little white power-y, don’t you think, guys? Guys? Are you listening? Oh, you’re in the middle of watching “The Birth of a Nation”, well nevermind!”

I will give them the whole “in dubio pro reo” because I have too much faith in capitalism to think that a huge firm like Ferrero would openly be so racist but – again – two things.

a.) It is so dumb. It is so unbelievably dumb. They take a quote from the first Afro-American president of the United States and basically reverse the meaning, they time the commercials around the 50th celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King’s famous speech for equality between white and black people and they also released it shortly before German elections that include several parties which are pretty darn racist. One of the Facebook-people I gotten into an (always frustrating and useless) argument with said that it was clever and provocative but nothing more. No, it was stupid and dumb and dumb and stupid.

b.) THOSE Facebook-people. I’d love to see a study giving me an idea how many times someone said “oh man, political correctness gone wrong” and the probability that that person was actually one of the reasons why political correctness exists. I am assuming here but I bet it’s a match made in heaven. Seriously, I know that it’s just chocolate and that it’s just advertisement but isn’t that all the more reason to be upset? Why in the world would you want to sell your chocolate with racially and politically explosive slogans? And it’s not like there aren’t endless puns out there that include the word “white” without giving racists some new slogans to angrily shout during their next march.

Well, thank you Ferrero, for giving me #4 on my rage list, I thought I could finish this stupid month without getting into an internet-argument with a friend of a friend over chocolate pralines!

Oh Michael, it does matter whether you’re black or white. It matters for Ferrero.


3 thoughts on “Soap Box: 4 things that bugged me in August

  1. 4. I’m not the least bit surprised. Ferrero has always had the worst advertisements of all time. Of all time! No one can even approach them when it comes to bad advertisements, not even Kinder.
    Their Rocher spots have fuelled my violent fantasies and rage-filled hate-dreams since I was five.
    They’re dicks to deal with as a company, too, but you just need to stock their shit, because customers love it.
    They did this on purpose, they do everything on purpose just to show us how little they care if everybody hates them.
    Satan is real, and he’s the prince of this world, and his name is Ferrero.


    1. You Sir, get the comment-soap box because that rant was beautiful, especially with the internet-appropriate satanist conspiracy theory at the end.


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