To commemorate this year’s award season, my colleague and I had the idea for an award show for things, people and stuff that don’t matter that much that you would have to remember their names, you know, like pretty much all the nominees in all these award shows (I am not hating here, by the way, I love movies and music and tv but seriously, the Oscar-hype is hands down one of the weirdest over-exaggerated things in the world of pop culture).
So, the styling for the event is simple, just grab something random that looks like it could be retail but also high fashion but no one can really tell because it is just so incredibly plain. Of course, you don’t really remember where you bought it, so if a journalist asks you, you say something like: “It was this designer/brand who does these really nice suits/dresses/panda overalls, you know who I mean?” And because they are too scared to actually confess that they don’t know who you mean, the journalists will nod and gush about that ominous designer/brand-thingathon.
The food will be the kind of stylized small portioned food that you’ve seen being made in a cooking show once but only once, so you have it on the tip of the tongue how it is called and/or only remember crudely slurred versions of the actual name like ‘Croque en Bish’, ‘Connissimet’ and ‘this foam cake that smells like peas’.
The music will consist of a generic poprock band with a name that is so easy to remember that you will have forgotten it before they finish their song, an RnB-singer who reminds you of an ex-girlgroup member and whose name begins with a ‘C’ (you are at least 40% sure of that) and a young dude with a guitar and a raspy voice who could be British or Canadian, you’re not quite sure because his accent is dubious.
The award will look like something but it will be just abstract enough to make people wonder whether it actually looks like that something or is just supposed to be abstract art. It will also be way too heavy to carry with one hand, so all winners have to awkwardly juggle it while adjusting the microphone for their acceptance speech and it will break incredibly easily, in case someone drops it (hopefully, someone does, the media loves that)
The nomination-categories are as follows:
– Favourite ‘It’s this guy/gal from that movie’
– Best crime series with a tough female detective and a charming yet morally ambiguous male companion
– Best comedy series with a bunch of goofy friends and whose title refers to something that happened in the first couple of episodes but then never was mentioned again and/or played any particular role in the following three to eight seasons.
– Best drama with a twist (vampires, big city-people in smalltowns, Sci-Fi or historical) that actually reveals itself to be a soap opera as cheesy as “Dynasty” but will be treated like an HBO-series but no one knows that because everyone watches the series only sporadically.
– Favourite ‘Isn’t that the guy/gal from that movie? – ‘No, that’s the one from the Chuck Lorre-series’
– Favourite talented British actor/actress casted for a ridiculously small and degrading part in a US-sitcom or as a villain in a really bad Action movie
– Best Reality show where it is “really about the talent and not about the drama”
– Best movie that clearly plays for the critics
– Best movie that clearly plays for the box office
– Best foreign movie artsy yet simple enough to pander to the Academy Awards
– Best song in a movie that you really liked when the credits rolled and totally wanted to look up at home but then forgot or that you looked up and then didn’t like as much because it worked really well in the movie but is somehow super-boring on its own
– Best soundtrack that people will buy because they liked the movie but never will hear because it is a fucking soundtrack and therefore lacks a cohesive narrative without that movie
– Best technical thingy about a movie that no one outside of that profession is actually interested in, so don’t even bother to listen to the nominees and just clap politely when the winner enters the stage, oh my, no wonder he is only a cameraman and no actor…
– best script written by someone who was the tenth person to tackle that monster of a story, had to rewrite most of it and was constantly scared that producers, directors and the big actors wouldn’t like it and again hire someone else to “smooth out the edges” and who is not necessarily proud of the script because it is the literary equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster
– best speech by someone who either broke down crying or was really funny or embarrassing, therefore making the headlines for the next two weeks and rendering all wins and losses uninteresting for most viewers and medias
The event will be roughly 7 hours long and will be hosted by an actor/actress who has been funny in movies but really lacks the fundamental skills to pull of stand-up and therefore will have no comedic timing whatsoever to make any of the pre-written gags work.
It will be glorious.